May 19 — Honesty

I never realized that I could ever feel so objectified by someone of the same gender. I don’t know if it was because of the strong coffee chickypoo claimed to have made this morning, or because scary chickypoo groped my boob and nipple then thigh and almost my vagina, but I got really shaky this afternoon. And quiet. I wish J wouldn’t encourage her. :( I really like her but she has a very thick mask on so we’ll probably remain as superficial friends.

We are pretty popular though. Many people crowded around us when we were playing cards. Even though two of them are just lost souls who are trying to fill a void by being perverts. I think I need to make a promise to myself to get up and walk away when I’m feeling uncomfortable.

Right after I wrote that last sentence I thought that I might be responding too passively if I just walked away. Tonight, J was being a fucking child so I said,

“Okay. Game over.” I gathered the cards up THEN walked away.

I cooled off for a few minutes then came back to sit, cards tucked away. This has nothing to do with the lesbian perverts that were making me uncomfortable earlier. It all relates back to my goal of being honest with myself. I’m grateful for the new card game J taught me, but I think I’ll be keeping the cards in my room for a while. I know I promised myself to only focus on the positive, but when I read this in the future, I’ll smell the bullshit, so I’m choosing to be honest.